Reminder Secure

New jokes please!

Funky is off-line
28 August 2014 14:20
Funky
Photographer
Funky
Location
United Kingdom
Birmingham


A vicar and his curate were playing golf on their day off.
The ball went into the rough - a slightly wooded area.
They went in search of the ball and came across a well.
I wonder how deep it is, asked the curate.
I'll throw a pebble in and we'll listen, said the vicar.
He did, but they heard nothing.
I'll try a bigger rock, said the curate.
He did, but they heard nothing.
They then saw a railway sleeper and threw this in.
They still heard nothing.
The vicar heard a noise behind him.
When he turned to see, he saw a billy goat heading straight for him.
Swiftly, he turned aside and whoosh, the billy goat went straight down the well.
They still heard nothing.
A little later a farmer called to them from behind, "Have you seen my billy goat?  You can't miss him, he's tied to a railway sleeper."

****

A trainee priest is accompanying a priest.  This was to observe his first confession session.
The first man enters.
The priest asks what was his sin.
He said I have committed adultery three times.
The priest says that he has to pay £5 and say three Hail Marys.
The second man enters.
The priest asks what was his sin.
He said I have committed adultery five times.
The priest says that he has to pay £10 and say five Hail Marys.
The priests mobile phone then rings.  It is an emergency call.  He has to go out and administer the last rites to someone.  There is still a queue for confessions.  He tells the trainee priest to take over.
The trainee priest is worried.
Just do as I did, says the priest and goes.
The third man enters.
The trainee priest asks what was his sin.
He said I have committed adultery four times.
Oh, says the trainee priest.  Can you go and do it again?
Why?, asks the third man.
I haven't been trained yet for four times and I don't know what I should do.

****

A vicar is asked to take over another parish temporarily while the vicar there is ill.
He is asked to do a cremation at short notice.
As he is not sure of how to get to the crematorium he puts the postcode into his satnav and sets off.
He is delayed by traffic and is late getting to the crematorium.
He arrives just as the coffin arrives, so he jumps out and rushes to the head of the procession.
They enter the crematorium and the coffin is laid down.
Just then the satnav in his pocket announces "You have reached your destination".

****

More reading?

http://www.purestorm.com/forum/readThread.aspx?id=260140

http://www.purestorm.com/forum/readThread.aspx?id=261689

http://www.purestorm.com/forum/readThread.aspx?id=262022



Tony Stephenson is off-line
02 September 2014 02:51
tonycsm
Photographer
tonycsm
Location
United Kingdom
East Yorkshire
Driffield

A poor child who has run away from home has been found and was being interviewed by social services.

They ask him if he would like to go and live with his mother. He replies "No, she beats me".

The social worker asks if he would prefer to go and live with his father? - The kid replies "No, he beats me too".

The social worker asks if he there is anybody else he would like to live with? - The kid replies "Manchester United, they never beat anybody".
www.le-femme.co.uk


The Norfolk Bargee  is off-line
03 September 2014 06:33
BOBREEVES
Photographer

Location
United Kingdom
Northamptonshire
Northampton

A young girl rings up an accountant and asks if he will do her business books..'What is you occupation' he enquires.

'A prostitute' she reply. Quite shocked he tells her 'I can't put that. The IRS won't like that'

What about 'call girl'?.... No that's just as bad he states..

How about.... (she thinks for a minute) ... poultry farmer?

How did you get to that ?... the accountant asks ..well she said...

I raised about 1000 cocks last year !!!


Ellesse Photography is off-lineSilver Member
03 September 2014 13:30
EllessePhotography
Photographer
EllessePhotography
Location
United Kingdom
Edinburgh
Edinburgh

Whats the difference between a Cockerel and a prostitute...............

.....All morning the cockerel can be heard saying cock-a-doodle-do.....
.....All night the prostitute can be heard shouting any-cock-'ell-do...


Ellesse Photography is off-lineSilver Member
03 September 2014 13:35
EllessePhotography
Photographer
EllessePhotography
Location
United Kingdom
Edinburgh
Edinburgh

You know how Kung Fu got it's name don't you......

While practicing deflecting spears thrown at them, one shaolin monk was not paying proper attention and the spear went straight through his mouth. He shouted out "which Kung Fu dat".......



3 Users currently online   Blue=Models Orange=Photographers Red=Agencies Purple=MUA/Stylists Grey=Studios Green=Moderators
Alicestar Stratman79
Spiritofwales