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You favourite joke

Rich G is off-line
26 September 2012 17:35
SMILESPHOTO
Photographer
SMILESPHOTO
Location
United Kingdom
Kent


Had my usual after-work drink with my mate Bob tonight. He asked what happened last night as I didn't show. I explained that having got off the train, I was walking over the crossing to the pub when I noticed something on the tracks further up the line. Realising this was potentially dangerous, I investigated further and found a girl had been tied to the track. I untied her and took her back to my place where we spent the evening making love - in the bedroom, bathroom, lounge and kitchen.
"You lucky SMILESPHOTO is a naughty person " exclaimed Bob - "Was she a looker?"
"Dunno", I replied - "I never found the head".
HAPPY TO WORK UP TO OPEN WALLET LEVELS


Alan Wilson is off-line
27 September 2012 05:00
alanwilson
Photographer
alanwilson
Location
United Kingdom
Kent


Leaving the pub last night some drunk's were throwing Cheese at passers by........... "that's MATURE" I said.


Finally...

My dog " minton" ate my shuttlecock............."Bad!! Minton" I said.


TIM GREEN is off-line
27 September 2012 06:13
zoomman
Photographer
zoomman
Location
United Kingdom
Cumbria


Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
WOMEN LIKE SILENT MEN.THEY THINK THEY'RE LISTENING.


gerryquiff is off-lineSilver Member
03 October 2012 18:26
gerryquiff
Photographer
gerryquiff
Location
United Kingdom
Lanarkshire
Bonnie Scotland

On the way home from his work, Jim pops into the Indian take away shop and asks for 1 portion of their hottest curry.
The asssistant hands him the menu.
Jim complains that the curries on the menu are not hot enough and asks for the manager.
 
The manager appears and explains that the hot curries are "too hot for white men" 
 
Jim protests, that he has been served this meal lots of times after leaving the pub at night, and normally drinks plenty of water with his curry with no abnormal side effects 

The manager again relates that "the hottest curry is too hot for white men"

 
Eventually Jim recieves the hottest curry and goes home.
When Jim sits down to eat the curry, his dog sits at his feet begging, Jim shoos it away a few times before his doorbell rings.
 
Jim places his plate on the table and warns the dog to stay away from it.
 
Jim opens the door and finds a door to door salesman selling his wares.
 
When Jim returns, he finds the dog has eaten his meal.
 
Within minutes Jim grabs the small dog, puts it in a pillow case, and heads down to the local canal.

He throws the pillowcase in the water.
 
On the way back from the canal, he again pops into the take away shop and orders their hottest curry and again recieves the warning the curry is "too hot for white men".

Eventually he is served the hottest curry and heads for home.
Again Jim sits down to eat his curry, and within a minute the doorbell rings again.
 
Jim opens the door looks downs and finds the dog lying on his doorstep.










"any more gerryquiff is a naughty person water" gasps the dog






 
CAT WANTED. Must be large enough to make Davy Crockett hat. (6 7/8) Prefer ginger


gerryquiff is off-lineSilver Member
01 November 2012 19:45
gerryquiff
Photographer
gerryquiff
Location
United Kingdom
Lanarkshire
Bonnie Scotland

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, soap, or paper towels in the ladies toilets." 
CAT WANTED. Must be large enough to make Davy Crockett hat. (6 7/8) Prefer ginger


w4pictures is off-line
02 November 2012 07:41
w4pictures
Photographer
w4pictures
Location
United Kingdom
London
Chiswick

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if
she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't
have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in
front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to
see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her
husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the
back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for
yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do
you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed
the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair
department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you
see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough
before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"


11 November 2012 12:13
Jackass
Photographer


Man walking down the street hears his name being shouted. He stops and turns around but there's nobody there. He starts walking again and after a few steps hears his name being shouted again. Once more he stops and turns to look, but once more there's nobody there. Annoyed, he continues his journey, but almost immediately hears his name being shouted. This time he decides to have a closer look, so he walks back along his route. As he turns the corner he sees a dog with a hair lip going "Mark!", "Mark!", "Mark!"
If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, it could be my ex wife.


11 November 2012 19:52
Blacklion
Photographer


I like cats so a cat themed joke...

There were two cats, 1 2 3 cat and un deux trois cat, they had a swimming race from England to France. Who won?

1 2 3 Cat because Un deux trois quatre cinq (un deux trois cat sank)


Steve Guy is off-line
12 November 2012 17:12
Sdeve
Photographer

Location
United Kingdom
Derbyshire
Derby

I think that the act of sex between a man and a woman is one of the most beautiful, loving, things money can buy.


13 November 2012 07:45
Jackass
Photographer


What's white and twelve inches long?

Nothing!
If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, it could be my ex wife.



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