You favourite joke

You favourite joke

55 posts
5 Sep 2012
SMILESPHOTO
Photographer
SMILESPHOTO
Had my usual after-work drink with my mate Bob tonight. He asked what happened last night as I didn't show. I explained that having got off the train, I was walking over the crossing to the pub when I noticed something on the tracks further up the line. Realising this was potentially dangerous, I investigated further and found a girl had been tied to the track. I untied her and took her back to my place where we spent the evening making love - in the bedroom, bathroom, lounge and kitchen. "You lucky bastard" exclaimed Bob - "Was she a looker?" "Dunno", I replied - "I never found the head".
Posted 26 Sep 2012
alanwilson
Photographer
alanwilson
Leaving the pub last night some drunk's were throwing Cheese at passers by........... "that's MATURE" I said. Finally... My dog " minton" ate my shuttlecock............."Bad!! Minton" I said.
Posted 27 Sep 2012
zoomman
Photographer
zoomman
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Posted 27 Sep 2012
gerryquiff
Photographer
gerryquiff
On the way home from his work, Jim pops into the Indian take away shop and asks for 1 portion of their hottest curry.
The asssistant hands him the menu.
Jim complains that the curries on the menu are not hot enough and asks for the manager.
 
The manager appears and explains that the hot curries are "too hot for white men" 
 
Jim protests, that he has been served this meal lots of times after leaving the pub at night, and normally drinks plenty of water with his curry with no abnormal side effects 

The manager again relates that "the hottest curry is too hot for white men"

 
Eventually Jim recieves the hottest curry and goes home.
When Jim sits down to eat the curry, his dog sits at his feet begging, Jim shoos it away a few times before his doorbell rings.
 
Jim places his plate on the table and warns the dog to stay away from it.
 
Jim opens the door and finds a door to door salesman selling his wares.
 
When Jim returns, he finds the dog has eaten his meal.
 
Within minutes Jim grabs the small dog, puts it in a pillow case, and heads down to the local canal.

He throws the pillowcase in the water.
 
On the way back from the canal, he again pops into the take away shop and orders their hottest curry and again recieves the warning the curry is "too hot for white men".

Eventually he is served the hottest curry and heads for home.
Again Jim sits down to eat his curry, and within a minute the doorbell rings again.
 
Jim opens the door looks downs and finds the dog lying on his doorstep.










"any more fucking water" gasps the dog






 
Posted 3 Oct 2012
Edited by gerryquiff 4 Oct 2012
gerryquiff
Photographer
gerryquiff
#010101" face="Arial" id="role_document3">A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, soap, or paper towels in the ladies toilets." 
Posted 2 Nov 2012
w4pictures
Photographer
w4pictures
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if
she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't
have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in
front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to
see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her
husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the
back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for
yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do
you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed
the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair
department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you
see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough
before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"


Posted 2 Nov 2012
Jackass
Photographer
Jackass
Man walking down the street hears his name being shouted. He stops and turns around but there's nobody there. He starts walking again and after a few steps hears his name being shouted again. Once more he stops and turns to look, but once more there's nobody there. Annoyed, he continues his journey, but almost immediately hears his name being shouted. This time he decides to have a closer look, so he walks back along his route. As he turns the corner he sees a dog with a hair lip going "Mark!", "Mark!", "Mark!"

Posted 11 Nov 2012
Blacklion
Photographer
Blacklion
I like cats so a cat themed joke... There were two cats, 1 2 3 cat and un deux trois cat, they had a swimming race from England to France. Who won? 1 2 3 Cat because Un deux trois quatre cinq (un deux trois cat sank)
Posted 12 Nov 2012
Sdeve
Photographer
Sdeve
I think that the act of sex between a man and a woman is one of the most beautiful, loving, things money can buy.

Posted 12 Nov 2012
Jackass
Photographer
Jackass
What's white and twelve inches long?

Nothing!

Posted 13 Nov 2012
DavidHunt
Photographer
DavidHunt
Tom was working in the garden this weekend and his wife was upstairs, about to take a shower.

Tom realized that he couldn't find the rake and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"

He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"


He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

His wife indicated that she understood and signaled back.

She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.

Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replied,

"Eye - Left Tit - Behind – The Bush"..............

Posted 13 Nov 2012
carshaltonkev
Photographer
carshaltonke..
Where did Bin Laden wear his watch?

On his TERROR WRIST.

My favourite is probably Mike Read's donkey joke and he can (could) tell it better than I can. It's crude and it's on youtube.

Posted 13 Nov 2012
davebu
Photographer
davebu
Can a cross-eyed school teacher control her pupils?

Posted 13 Nov 2012
DavidHunt
Photographer
DavidHunt
A couple of men stole 100 crates of Red Bull from a local factory the other day.....

...... I don't know how those guys can sleep at night!

Posted 15 Nov 2012
alanwilson
Photographer
alanwilson
I wonder if anyone finds these funny, I do anyway. Here is today's A man enters a brothel with £10, he asks what could potentially be on the menu for such a sum. The lady says........... "hmmm, you can have the penguin" So a while later in a room the man is waiting thinking to himself and wondering what treat awaits him, when in through the door strolls the finest woman ever seen, she heads straight for the man, runs her fingers through his hair, down his chest, unbuttons him so that his trousers fall around his ankles. The man is beside himself with excitement as the beautiful woman commences hand relief on the man, the man is in heaven and very close to the vinegar stroke, when the woman suddenly stop's, get's up and walks away. The man attempts to follow her, but is obviously hampered by his trousers, and manages only a penguin type waddle in the direction of the door.
Posted 15 Nov 2012
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