Had my usual after-work drink with my mate Bob tonight. He asked what happened last night as I didn't show. I explained that having got off the train, I was walking over the crossing to the pub when I noticed something on the tracks further up the line. Realising this was potentially dangerous, I investigated further and found a girl had been tied to the track. I untied her and took her back to my place where we spent the evening making love - in the bedroom, bathroom, lounge and kitchen.
"You lucky bastard" exclaimed Bob - "Was she a looker?"
"Dunno", I replied - "I never found the head".
#010101" face="Arial" id="role_document3">A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, soap, or paper towels in the ladies toilets."
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
Man walking down the street hears his name being shouted. He stops and turns around but there's nobody there. He starts walking again and after a few steps hears his name being shouted again. Once more he stops and turns to look, but once more there's nobody there. Annoyed, he continues his journey, but almost immediately hears his name being shouted. This time he decides to have a closer look, so he walks back along his route. As he turns the corner he sees a dog with a hair lip going "Mark!", "Mark!", "Mark!"
I like cats so a cat themed joke...
There were two cats, 1 2 3 cat and un deux trois cat, they had a swimming race from England to France. Who won?
1 2 3 Cat because Un deux trois quatre cinq (un deux trois cat sank)
I wonder if anyone finds these funny, I do anyway.
Here is today's
A man enters a brothel with £10, he asks what could potentially be on the menu for such a sum.
The lady says........... "hmmm, you can have the penguin"
So a while later in a room the man is waiting thinking to himself and wondering what treat awaits him, when in through the door strolls the finest woman ever seen, she heads straight for the man, runs her fingers through his hair, down his chest, unbuttons him so that his trousers fall around his ankles.
The man is beside himself with excitement as the beautiful woman commences hand relief on the man, the man is in heaven and very close to the vinegar stroke, when the woman suddenly stop's, get's up and walks away.
The man attempts to follow her, but is obviously hampered by his trousers, and manages only a penguin type waddle in the direction of the door.