During examination a doctor notices the word MAD tattoed on an elderly man's willy. "Why have you had MAD tattoed on your penis ?" he asks Man replies, "When I had it done at 20 years old it said MAN.UNITED.
Bob and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Bob suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness" she continued "The bad news is, Bob hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.............How soon can I go home?"
Mary is visiting her gran a couple of weeks after her grandad had passed away at 90 years old.
Over a cup of tea, her Gran explains that she wishes to talk about her husband's death.
Mary agrees that it would possibly help both of them with their grieving, and her Gran starts to explain her life with her late husband.
"we had known each other for almost 75 years, had been married for 50 years and had spoken to each other every single day after we were married...........and if it wasn't for that little Italian bastard Antonio your Grandfather would still be alive"
Puzzled, Mary asked why an Italian man was responsible for her Grandfather's death.
"you see Mary", her Gran replied "although your Grandfather was a handsome and strong man, he was never really interested in making love. "
"in fact we only ever made love once a week, at 9:50 on a Sunday morning"
Mary tried several times to change the subject, but her Gran continued.
"So we sat down and worked out a plan that suited both of us, every Sunday morning, we would lie in bed, and when the church bells started ringing, your Grandfather would mount me, entering and withdrawing with each toll of the bells, finally ejaculating on the last chime at 10 am precisely."
Again Mary tried to change the subject unsuccessfully as her Gran continued
"50 years we maintained our lovemaking like this, until 2 weeks ago, when Antonio got new chimes on his ice cream van and turned up at 5 to 10 Sunday morning"
"your poor Grandad tried to keep up with Antonio's ****ing nursery rhymes, but his heart just gave up"