New jokes please!

New jokes please!

15 posts
22 Aug 2014
Moorlane
Photographer
Moorlane
I am starting to repeat myself jokes wise and this is starting to irritate my friends.In an attempt to retain their friendship can you please share your best jokes with me? Short and sweet would be great... one liners fine ! ) Thanks!

Posted 22 Aug 2014
Dave@studio99
Photographer
Dave@studio99
I went to my doctor and said "Can I have some more sleeping pills for the wife?" "Why?" He asked,I replied "Because she's woke up!"

Posted 22 Aug 2014
mph
Photographer
mph

"I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust."

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett – I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”


 
Posted 22 Aug 2014
Edited by ForumModerator 23 Aug 2014
Kiboko
Photographer
Kiboko
I can't top that lot!

Two Scottish ducks on a tandem. One said, "Quack!"
The other said, "I canna go any quacker"!

Posted 22 Aug 2014
flashysnapper
Photographer
flashysnapper
mph

"I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust."
....................................
....................................
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”


 

Is somebody a Tim Vine fan?

Posted 22 Aug 2014
Edited by ForumModerator 23 Aug 2014
mph
Photographer
mph
flashysnapper

Is somebody a Tim Vine fan?



smileycheeky
Posted 23 Aug 2014
DorsetHammer
Photographer
DorsetHammer
My wife said: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’ I said: ‘That’s a myth.’ She said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly"
Posted 23 Aug 2014
Edited by DorsetHammer 23 Aug 2014
tonycsm
Photographer
tonycsm
How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

Tell them asylum seekers kill paedophiles.wink
Posted 25 Aug 2014
Moorlane
Photographer
Moorlane
great stuff !
My 85 year old mum has had a tattoo done for her birthday.I just could not believe it at her age! The tattoo is from the back of her neck to the small of her back and is a road map of England.You can say what you like about my mum but you always know where you are with her.

Posted 26 Aug 2014
Moorlane
Photographer
Moorlane
great stuff !
My 85 year old mum has had a tattoo done for her birthday.I just could not believe it at her age! The tattoo is from the back of her neck to the small of her back and is a road map of England.You can say what you like about my mum but you always know where you are with her.

Posted 26 Aug 2014
Funky
Photographer
Funky

A vicar and his curate were playing golf on their day off.
The ball went into the rough - a slightly wooded area.
They went in search of the ball and came across a well.
I wonder how deep it is, asked the curate.
I'll throw a pebble in and we'll listen, said the vicar.
He did, but they heard nothing.
I'll try a bigger rock, said the curate.
He did, but they heard nothing.
They then saw a railway sleeper and threw this in.
They still heard nothing.
The vicar heard a noise behind him.
When he turned to see, he saw a billy goat heading straight for him.
Swiftly, he turned aside and whoosh, the billy goat went straight down the well.
They still heard nothing.
A little later a farmer called to them from behind, "Have you seen my billy goat?  You can't miss him, he's tied to a railway sleeper."

****

A trainee priest is accompanying a priest.  This was to observe his first confession session.
The first man enters.
The priest asks what was his sin.
He said I have committed adultery three times.
The priest says that he has to pay £5 and say three Hail Marys.
The second man enters.
The priest asks what was his sin.
He said I have committed adultery five times.
The priest says that he has to pay £10 and say five Hail Marys.
The priests mobile phone then rings.  It is an emergency call.  He has to go out and administer the last rites to someone.  There is still a queue for confessions.  He tells the trainee priest to take over.
The trainee priest is worried.
Just do as I did, says the priest and goes.
The third man enters.
The trainee priest asks what was his sin.
He said I have committed adultery four times.
Oh, says the trainee priest.  Can you go and do it again?
Why?, asks the third man.
I haven't been trained yet for four times and I don't know what I should do.

****

A vicar is asked to take over another parish temporarily while the vicar there is ill.
He is asked to do a cremation at short notice.
As he is not sure of how to get to the crematorium he puts the postcode into his satnav and sets off.
He is delayed by traffic and is late getting to the crematorium.
He arrives just as the coffin arrives, so he jumps out and rushes to the head of the procession.
They enter the crematorium and the coffin is laid down.
Just then the satnav in his pocket announces "You have reached your destination".

****

More reading?

http://www.purestorm.com/forum/readThread.aspx?id=260140

http://www.purestorm.com/forum/readThread.aspx?id=261689

http://www.purestorm.com/forum/readThread.aspx?id=262022

Posted 28 Aug 2014
tonycsm
Photographer
tonycsm
A poor child who has run away from home has been found and was being interviewed by social services.

They ask him if he would like to go and live with his mother. He replies "No, she beats me".

The social worker asks if he would prefer to go and live with his father? - The kid replies "No, he beats me too".

The social worker asks if he there is anybody else he would like to live with? - The kid replies "Manchester United, they never beat anybody".

Posted 2 Sep 2014
BOBREEVES
Photographer
BOBREEVES
A young girl rings up an accountant and asks if he will do her business books..'What is you occupation' he enquires. 'A prostitute' she reply. Quite shocked he tells her 'I can't put that. The IRS won't like that' What about 'call girl'?.... No that's just as bad he states.. How about.... (she thinks for a minute) ... poultry farmer? How did you get to that ?... the accountant asks ..well she said... I raised about 1000 cocks last year !!!
Posted 3 Sep 2014
EllessePhotography
Photographer
EllessePhotography
Whats the difference between a Cockerel and a prostitute...............

.....All morning the cockerel can be heard saying cock-a-doodle-do.....
.....All night the prostitute can be heard shouting any-cock-'ell-do...

Posted 3 Sep 2014
EllessePhotography
Photographer
EllessePhotography
You know how Kung Fu got it's name don't you......

While practicing deflecting spears thrown at them, one shaolin monk was not paying proper attention and the spear went straight through his mouth. He shouted out "which Kung Fu dat".......

Posted 3 Sep 2014
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