One of my friends retired a year ago. He sent me the following warning:
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the Supermarket.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out quickly. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Supermarket ...
Dear Mrs XXXX,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1 - He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2 - Set all the alarm clocks in Houseware to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3 - He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's toilets.
4 - Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Hardware. Get on to it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5 - Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.
6 - Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7 - Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
8 - When an assistant asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" Paramedics had to be called.
9 - Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose, then flicked it at the camera.
10 - While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11 - Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12 - In the car accessories department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13 - Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14 - When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
15 - Took a box of condoms to the checkout and asked where the fitting room was.
The final straw was:
16 - Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited for a while, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of the Staff passed out.