very down today :(

13 posts
9 Sep 2012
hi thanks to anyone who bothers to read my drivel first off
well as the title suggests im having a down day today now the reason?
well i have dysmorphia (link for those unfamiliar with it...
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_health/mental_health/disorders_bodydysmorphia1.shtml )
and today was browsing through my photos i have worked with some wonderful photographers who are brilliant and i cant fault them the problem lays with me and i just though why am i doing this?i will never be good enough i picked out so many perceived faults thin lips big nose small breasts fat the list goes on all the usual and sank very low my partner saying im attention seeking did not help as attention is not what i want reassurance from him yes perhaps but not attention
i was thinking that i should just quit modelling as so so many gorgeous faces out there people can book why the hell would they contemplate booking me
i do have a support worker i talk to but shes sometimes as much use as a chocolate teapot actually less at least you can eat a chocolate teapot
family?yes they are all very well and good but i feel i burden them and they have been through a lot
i guess im just really releasing my feelings typing this
i mean i love modelling on a good day it boosts my confidence no end i feel great after a shoot
elated almost
but today is just one of those oh god you are so gross days i cant explain how i feel and dont know what i expect people to say in response really
i just feel so damn ugly right now...
i will get over it well to an extent and function at some level of normality again soon
just when i feel like this
i want to chuck in the towel with modelling i know in the long run i would regret that a lot
would you give it up?or just hang in there until you felt better?
i do wish my brain would not torture me so!






Posted 9 Sep 2012
sorry to hear you are feeling down. If you love modelling, then do what you love, and love what you do....When you carry on with something you love to do there is always the chance of doors opening to success, but the moment you quit you close these doors until you find the confidence to open them again.

As for looks, everyone has their own unique beauty - so enjoy yours.

Posted 9 Sep 2012
Hi, Sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I have had similar experiences and I know how bad it can feel. I was working on a job a few weeks ago and as most of my work is looks based (modelling,acting,promotions) I am always one of the biggest girls so i tend to feel a bit self conscious. Unfortunately on this occasion one of the managers took this opportunity to insult everything about me. From calling me fat to slagging off my eye make up! I of course reported him and he eventually got removed from the job (it was not the first complaint he'd had) but it brought out all my old demons. For the next few days I spent every waking hour thinking about the size of my thighs and comparing myself with everyone. It was obsessive and I knew that it was disordered behaviour and me not just being a bit vain! So how to make yourself feel better......... Body dismorphia can be linked to depression so if you are really struggling day to day get yourself to the drs. If the person you are seeing for support is terrible change them, it is your health so don't take no for an answer Write a list of things that can cheer you up in an instant. Maybe a walk, a bath, chocolate, chatting to a friend on the phone. Take some time out for yourself. If you are finding it hard to gain support from your friends explain to them that you are struggling with positive thoughts rather than putting yourself down. It is a difficult thing to understand so they probably thinking that you are gorgeous and have nothing to complain about. You have and will get modelling work so you must be doing something right. Everyone is different and it is your USP that sells you in the first place, don't knock it. Hope that's a little bit helpful. Take care
Posted 9 Sep 2012
unendingsleep

hi thanks to anyone who bothers to read my drivel first off well as the title suggests im having a down day today now the reason? well i have dysmorphia (link for those unfamiliar with it... http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_health/mental_health/disorders_bodydysmorphia1.shtml ) and today was browsing through my photos i have worked with some wonderful photographers who are brilliant and i cant fault them the problem lays with me and i just though why am i doing this?i will never be good enough i picked out so many perceived faults thin lips big nose small breasts fat the list goes on all the usual and sank very low my partner saying im attention seeking did not help as attention is not what i want reassurance from him yes perhaps but not attention i was thinking that i should just quit modelling as so so many gorgeous faces out there people can book why the hell would they contemplate booking me i do have a support worker i talk to but shes sometimes as much use as a chocolate teapot actually less at least you can eat a chocolate teapot family?yes they are all very well and good but i feel i burden them and they have been through a lot i guess im just really releasing my feelings typing this i mean i love modelling on a good day it boosts my confidence no end i feel great after a shoot elated almost but today is just one of those oh god you are so gross days i cant explain how i feel and dont know what i expect people to say in response really i just feel so damn ugly right now... i will get over it well to an extent and function at some level of normality again soon just when i feel like this i want to chuck in the towel with modelling i know in the long run i would regret that a lot would you give it up?or just hang in there until you felt better? i do wish my brain would not torture me so!


Is there anything you like about your looks? this is what you should focus on rather than the things you see as being negatives.

Pre-modelling did you feel worse about your looks overall? if so then even the little confidence boosts you get along the way surely are better than always feeling that way? My eye does this weird thing when I'm tired or sometimes with flash, one of them reacts slightly differently than the other - Also one of my front teeth are slightly longer than the one next to it and in pictures if i have my mouth too wide open it makes it look like I only have one front tooth - these are things only I seem to notice, nobody else has ever said "oh one of your teeth are shorter than the other/your eye looks more closed than the other", I only know these things because I study images of myself so closely. Which is maybe what you are doing to the extreme. We are humans, we are not perfect, we all have little problem areas which sometimes only us notice. 

Don't chuck modelling in if it does benefit you at all, just take a little break away and learn to like yourself again - or work with somebody who knows what your problem areas are which you don't like? 

x

Posted 9 Sep 2012
Buddygb
Photographer
Buddygb
I had a younger brother with Dsymorphia so whilst I wouldn't claim to know how you feel I can at least sympathise with what you are dealing with.

Just keep being you and enjoying what you do...

B.

Posted 9 Sep 2012
Purple_Girl
Photographer
Purple_Girl
unendingsleep

 sank very low my partner saying im attention seeking did not help as attention is not what i want reassurance from him 


I can say from experience that you will almost certainly find yourself happier as a person if you are with a partner who doesn't say unsupportive/unhelpful things to you in a time of crisis. A loving partner does not tell their emotionally fragile partner that they are 'attention-seeking', they try to understand and they offer support when you need it. What your partner said is, quite simply, shitty. Perhaps he doesn't quite understand the seriousness of your feelings, in which an explanatory sit-down is in order.

As a long-term sufferer of serious anxiety and being a somewhat fragile person myself, I know that I am much stronger now for being with someone whom I know will always support me on a down-turn and who reminds me when I am succeeding, whereas in the past I was with someone who did not support me at all and under his controlling influence I found myself mostly housebound, avoiding mirrors and keeping most of my problems to myself because I knew he would make me feel worse. He didn't want to understand my issues or help me through them, or even just give me a much-needed boost to work through them myself. I can't tell you how miserable I was at that time.

I hate my body. I hate my face. I feel ridiculously nervous when a camera is pointed at me, or when anyone looks at me for longer than a few seconds. I can't see why my parnter fancies me, even though I believe he does. As very difficult as it is, sometimes it's a case of trying to force myself to remember that even if I don't understand the reasons why I am loved, that doesn't make them bullshit. You can be strong enough to learn to tell yourself that too and hopefully you can make your partner understand your feelings so that he can support you when you're having a 'down day.'

For what it's worth, I think you take a lovely photo.
Posted 9 Sep 2012
Edited by Purple_Girl 9 Sep 2012
Marty_W
Photographer
Marty_W
Maybe the modelling could act as a release for you? Why not put pen to paper, write how you feel?, why you feel? Make a project out of it. Help others by making them aware.
It always helps to have a chat with someone that will listen and genuinely know how you feel. I will say that you are an active young lady and you should be proud of what you have. We as people should spend more time loving what we have and not what everyone else has.

We are all beautiful in our own unique ways.

Posted 9 Sep 2012
Sorry to hear you feel in such a vulnerable unconfident state at the present, I can't begin to understand how frustrating dysmorphia is to you but I can spare a few minutes as an agony aunt. At times of depression/inconfidence/high stress the best thing to do is stick at something you truly enjoy and focus on your love for the activity and the reasons why it gives you that joyful buzz. I can't say that I get stressed with regards to modelling but when something else stresses me I know I can rely on modelling or another adoring passion to cancel that feeling out. You should try not to get carried away with fault finding on your body, (that's if you can even call them faults or just the features which gives you your unique beauty), it's essential to recognise the positives and think "well actually, I do like my XYZ" and work with these to continue producing the stunning pictures you come to feel proud of. Only you will know you best and in some cases it doesn't matter who or how many people say "oh don't be silly you are gorgeous" because YOU need to believe it and accept it. Having said that, having your nearest and dearest label you an attention seeker is definitely not going to help! I hope you start to feel better about yourself soon.
Posted 9 Sep 2012
PatrickO
Photographer
PatrickO
Hi there, all I can say is that if you stop modelling it will be a great loss to the rest of us. You have a wonderful, beautiful, original look.

All the best, Patrick

Posted 9 Sep 2012
alexkidd
Photographer
alexkidd
my take on this would be that modelling might not be for you, if you enjoy it then that's great carry on with it and do it for your personal reasons but if not then with the added mental issue i'd say it might not be the best choice, even the most confident models have to keep driving themselves forward and rejection has to be a big part of this "industry"

definitely see the doctor/whoever if you haven't already and try and find some real people around you to pick you up if you can, additionally i'd say maybe write yourself a letter/make a video if you're having a good day to look on when you're in a low, with anything like this it's gonna be peaks and troughs, remembering and telling yourself that when it's feeling grim it will improve is key to dealing with something like this imho

Posted 9 Sep 2012
TheChrisS
Photographer
TheChrisS
Kitty, you are an absolutely stunning looking woman. If you were closer to where I am I would certainly book you. I've worked with people who have had mental health problems, and comments such as "attention seeking" are unwarranted, and without basis.

It sounds like your partner is struggling to understand your condition. Sure, he knows you HAVE Dysmorphia - but to him that could be just a word. He needs to understand and be aware of your feelings and emotions, and not to ridicule or ignore them. He needs to know what Dysmorphia IS. He needs to be educated on it. Maybe see if you can get a professional in - not necessarily for you, but for him - to hammer home the point that dysmorphia can be a serious mental health condition with sometimes devastating results, and that he must support you in what you do.

If you want to chat via PM, I'm happy to do so. But you are beautiful, I promise you.

Posted 10 Sep 2012
mikethefoto
Photographer
mikethefoto
Kitty,
Your profile says you are currently pregnant? Isn't it likely that your hormones are taking over your emotions at times?

Posted 10 Sep 2012
Well you're not alone as I too suffer from body dysmorphia and it's an absolutely awful disorder

You shouldn't give modelling up as you're brill at what you do...

Hope I've been able to help you a little
Posted 13 Sep 2012
Edited by ForumModerator 13 Sep 2012
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