Some race horses are chatting and one of them starts to boast about his track record.
"In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound has been sitting there listening.
"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
A married woman and her non married friend are out shopping when they pass by an ann summers store and notice that they are selling kinky leather outfits on sale with free whip and leather mask so they decide to buy one each and surprise their partners that night..
Next day they meet for lunch to compare each others nights,, the non married friend tells of how her boyfriend came home and saw her on the bed in her new leather gear and instantly stripped naked and they had the best sex of their relationship so far...
the married woman looks a little huffed at this so her friend said, "didn't your night go well?". To which the woman replies.. "my husband came home and i was looking hot as hell on all fours on the bed waiting for him.", "he just slapped me on the ass and said 'whats for dinner batman?'"
NEW THEME - "GHOSTS"
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.
He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."
So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine!"
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have suffered particularly horrible deaths. So, what's your story?" The first man replies: "Well, for weeks now I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to catch her in the act. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could sense something was wrong, but all my searching didn't reveal where this other guy could be hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes and survived. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, pushed our old refridgerator (that hadn't been picked up yet) over the edge, where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning when I was stretching my legs on the railing, somehow I slipped and fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor beneath me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside an empty refrigerator..."