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New jokes please!

Moorlane is off-line
22 August 2014 14:27
Moorlane
Photographer

Location
United Kingdom
Greater Manchester


I am starting to repeat myself jokes wise and this is starting to irritate my friends.In an attempt to retain their friendship can you please share your best jokes with me? Short and sweet would be great... one liners fine ! ) Thanks!


DAVID SHARPLES. is off-line
22 August 2014 14:50
Dave@studio99
Photographer
Dave@studio99
Location
United Kingdom
Lancashire
DARWEN

I went to my doctor and said "Can I have some more sleeping pills for the wife?" "Why?" He asked,I replied "Because she's woke up!"


Paul Hodson is off-line
22 August 2014 15:22
mph
Photographer
mph
Location
United Kingdom
Cheshire
Crewe


"I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust."

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?" So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett – I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”


 
Amateur - happy to do TF with models with potential and enthusiasm. Website: www.mphodson.co.uk


Ian MACFADYEN is off-lineSilver Member
22 August 2014 17:25
Kiboko
Photographer
Kiboko
Location
United Kingdom
Surrey
GUILDFORD

I can't top that lot!

Two Scottish ducks on a tandem. One said, "Quack!"
The other said, "I canna go any quacker"!


Peter Roach is off-lineGold Member
22 August 2014 19:11
flashysnapper
Photographer
flashysnapper
Location
United Kingdom
Staffordshire
burton on trent

Quote from mph
"I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust."
....................................
....................................
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”


 


Is somebody a Tim Vine fan?



Paul Hodson is off-line
23 August 2014 06:16
mph
Photographer
mph
Location
United Kingdom
Cheshire
Crewe

Quote from flashysnapper
Is somebody a Tim Vine fan?




smileycheeky
Amateur - happy to do TF with models with potential and enthusiasm. Website: www.mphodson.co.uk


Paul is off-lineSilver Member
23 August 2014 11:58
DorsetHammer
Photographer
DorsetHammer
Location
United Kingdom
Dorset
Christchurch

My wife said: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’ I said: ‘That’s a myth.’ She said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly"
It was broken when I got here


Tony Stephenson is off-line
25 August 2014 17:46
tonycsm
Photographer
tonycsm
Location
United Kingdom
East Yorkshire
Driffield

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

Tell them asylum seekers kill paedophiles.wink
www.le-femme.co.uk


Moorlane is off-line
26 August 2014 18:03
Moorlane
Photographer

Location
United Kingdom
Greater Manchester


great stuff !
My 85 year old mum has had a tattoo done for her birthday.I just could not believe it at her age! The tattoo is from the back of her neck to the small of her back and is a road map of England.You can say what you like about my mum but you always know where you are with her.


Moorlane is off-line
26 August 2014 18:12
Moorlane
Photographer

Location
United Kingdom
Greater Manchester


great stuff !
My 85 year old mum has had a tattoo done for her birthday.I just could not believe it at her age! The tattoo is from the back of her neck to the small of her back and is a road map of England.You can say what you like about my mum but you always know where you are with her.



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