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Jokes for the New Year

KevinJS is off-lineGold Member
08 January 2014 15:18

United Kingdom

1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.

7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'

11. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '
'Is it common, doc?'
'Well, it's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really, really, heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Oh, now, don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat KevinJS is a naughty person !'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

I want to die in my sleep, like my grandather. Not screaming like his passengers

Chris is off-line
09 January 2014 05:14

United Kingdom

mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile

"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she never got your Email!"

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