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Warning to those about to retire

Funky is off-line
06 April 2013 06:07
Funky
Photographer
Funky
Location
United Kingdom
Birmingham


One of my friends retired a year ago.  He sent me the following warning:

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the Supermarket.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out quickly. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
 
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Supermarket ...

 

Dear Mrs XXXX,
 
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
 
1 - He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
 
2 - Set all the alarm clocks in Houseware to go off at 5 minute intervals.
 
3 - He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's toilets.
 
4 - Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Hardware. Get on to it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
 
5 - Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.
 
6 - Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 
7 - Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.
 
8 - When an assistant asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"  Paramedics had to be called.
 
9 - Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose, then flicked it at the camera.
 
10 - While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
 
11 - Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
 
12 - In the car accessories department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
 
13 - Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
 
14 - When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the foetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
 
15 - Took a box of condoms to the checkout and asked where the fitting room was.
 
The final straw was:
 
16 - Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited for a while, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here."  One of the Staff passed out.



Tempus Fugit is off-lineSilver Member
06 April 2013 06:49
pinkbuildingphotography
Photographer
pinkbuildingphotography
Location
United Kingdom
Tayside


Brilliant
Riding on the Gotterdammerung. Down and down she goes. Where she stops no one knows.


Spike is off-line
06 April 2013 09:39
Spike
Photographer
Spike
Location
United Kingdom
Hertfordshire
St Albans

Wife loved it too
"Photoshop is there to cut diamonds, not polish turds"


OHKAN is off-lineSilver Member
07 April 2013 04:07
ohkan
Photographer
ohkan
Location
United Kingdom
West Sussex
East Grinstead



JDPHOTO is off-line
07 April 2013 04:15
jdphoto
Photographer
jdphoto
Location
United Kingdom
Bedfordshire
Flitwick

Sitting here cry with laughter


Chris Corbin is off-line
07 April 2013 05:43
corbystock
Photographer
corbystock
Location
United Kingdom
Hampshire
New Milton

There is a chance that everything I just said is complete bollocks


Robert Blandford is off-lineSilver Member
07 April 2013 16:01
couchpotato
Photographer
couchpotato
Location
Australasia
New Zealand
Kirwee

The best yet...


Gabby_D is off-lineGold Member
07 April 2013 16:18
gabby_d
Photographer

Location
United Kingdom
London
ealing

love it.


07 April 2013 16:48
Tibby
Model


want to go shopping?!
Your regrets aren't what you did, but what you didn't do. So I take every opportunity.”



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