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Moorlane is off-line
11 September 2012 10:39
Moorlane
Photographer

Location
United Kingdom
Greater Manchester


I dreamt last night that I was attacked by the Grim Reaper.I managed to fight him off with the hose from a vacuum cleaner.Talk about dyson with death!


gerryquiff is off-lineSilver Member
20 September 2012 11:39
gerryquiff
Photographer
gerryquiff
Location
United Kingdom
Lanarkshire
Bonnie Scotland

 
A young New Zealand lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
 
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
 
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Taupo.'
 
 
The manager liked the New Zealander so he gave him the job.
 
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
 
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
 
The New Zealander said 'One!'
 
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
 
How much was the sale for?'
 '£124,237.64p.'
 
The manager choked and exclaimed£124,237.64!!
 What the hell did you sell him?'
 
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
 
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
 
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
 
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
 
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
 
" Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."
CAT WANTED. Must be large enough to make Davy Crockett hat. (6 7/8) Prefer ginger


w4pictures is off-line
20 September 2012 13:31
w4pictures
Photographer
w4pictures
Location
United Kingdom
London
Chiswick

My first, and probably only, laugh today


21 September 2012 03:20
alshepherd
Model


A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."

The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"

The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"

The blonde said, "DUH... Not if you go at night!"
See my full portfolio at http://anniesnow.wix.com/official


21 September 2012 03:21
alshepherd
Model


Blonde brunette and red head sat in a bar discussing who has the biggest vagina. Brunette smiles and says "i can fit 3 fingers in mine" Red hair says "that's nothing, I can fit a fist in mine"

The blonde says nothing, and slides down her barstool.
See my full portfolio at http://anniesnow.wix.com/official


Philip Hartley is off-line
21 September 2012 03:39
ph_oto
Photographer
ph_oto
Location
United Kingdom
South Yorkshire
Barnsley

During examination a doctor notices the word MAD tattoed on an elderly man's willy.
"Why have you had MAD tattoed on your penis ?" he asks
Man replies, "When I had it done at 20 years old it said MAN.UNITED.
Say what you Mean and Mean what you Say


gerryquiff is off-lineSilver Member
26 September 2012 12:49
gerryquiff
Photographer
gerryquiff
Location
United Kingdom
Lanarkshire
Bonnie Scotland

Bob and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Bob suddenly jumped into the deep end.

 

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

 

 

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

 

 

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness" she continued "The bad news is, Bob hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead."

 

 

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.............How soon can I go home?"

CAT WANTED. Must be large enough to make Davy Crockett hat. (6 7/8) Prefer ginger


gerryquiff is off-lineSilver Member
26 September 2012 14:41
gerryquiff
Photographer
gerryquiff
Location
United Kingdom
Lanarkshire
Bonnie Scotland

Mary is visiting her gran a couple of weeks after her grandad had passed away at 90 years old.

Over a cup of tea, her Gran explains that she wishes to talk about her husband's death.
 
Mary agrees that it would possibly help both of them with their grieving, and her Gran starts to explain her life with her late husband.
 
"we had known each other for almost 75 years, had been married for 50 years and had spoken to each other every single day after we were married...........and if it wasn't for that little Italian gerryquiff is a naughty person Antonio your Grandfather would still be alive" 
 
Puzzled, Mary asked why an Italian man was responsible for her Grandfather's death.
 
"you see Mary", her Gran replied "although your Grandfather was a handsome and strong man, he was never really interested in making love. "
"in fact we only ever made love once a week, at 9:50 on a Sunday morning"
 
Mary tried several times to change the subject, but her Gran continued.
 
"So we sat down and worked out a plan that suited both of us, every Sunday morning, we would lie in bed, and when the church bells started ringing, your Grandfather would mount me, entering and withdrawing with each toll of the bells, finally ejaculating on the last chime at 10 am precisely."
 
Again Mary tried to change the subject unsuccessfully as her Gran continued
 
"50 years we maintained our lovemaking like this, until 2 weeks ago, when Antonio got new chimes on his ice cream van and turned up at 5 to 10 Sunday morning"

"your poor Grandad tried to keep up with Antonio's gerryquiff is a naughty person nursery rhymes, but his heart just gave up"




 
CAT WANTED. Must be large enough to make Davy Crockett hat. (6 7/8) Prefer ginger


 Phil_M is off-line
26 September 2012 16:08
Phil_M
Photographer
Phil_M
Location
United Kingdom
Greater Manchester
Stockport

2 things you didn't know about me

1) My penis is the same length as two Argos pens

2) I am banned from Argos


Spooky is off-lineSilver Member
26 September 2012 16:22
Spooky
Photographer
Spooky
Location
United Kingdom
Hertfordshire
Kimpton, Hitchin

A toothless woodworm walks into a pub and asks, 'Is the bar tender here?'

Just because you have a library card, it doesn't make you Yoda



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